i find myself in a different place from where i thought i was supposed to be
my habit of just moving forward, just walking, according to instinct, desire, possibly nothing at all
but walking, taking random roads as they come to me
my toes hurt, my feet are bleeding, my shoes worn
the view has gotten dizzying
i am frail
as i realize i have been walking around in
remissive circles and i know
its just one turn i'm missing
one road i have not taken, missed by just a bit, which will bring me, strike me suddenly that that was it! that was the turning i missed, this is where the signboards are that will help me get to where i need.
i begin to panic as i realize
i have no idea how far i am off course
how far i've travelled in the opposite direction from where i'm supposed to be
my mind a scurry of what if i end up on the other side of the country, what if i go all the way and end up lost and alone in the middle of the night? who would i call to rescue me? how embarassed how stupid will i feel?
a scurry of all the extra costs i've had to pay, going thru unnecessary distances, all the wasted energy
a scurry of the mixed emotions of trying to justify that this is how i learn, trying to comfort by saying to myself ah its just a tiny defect, always getting hopelessly lost, quite charming in a childish way, being this random, being this fearless.. . of panicking and a nudging feeling of how stupid i've been, how far will i be allowed to go, how very lost can i possibly be, which road will lead to a dead end, why do i never learn even tho i've been through these roads before? i've been lost on the same road before. and as i'm there taking the wheels i'm spacing out, panicking, i'm not there anymore, my body's acting on its own as i .. wish that i was home, safe, with people who would take care of me.

i keep on walking, the sky is pink and the trees are deep purple..the paths lead everywhere, i can't see past the shadows
i hear something shifting behind me, beside me, coming closer so i panic
and start running
and as soon as i began to run i got even more afraid, i knew it was coming closer and steeped in panic i ran for my life
my feet trip over themselves and i fall with the full weight of my self and the rush of my panic. i tumble over, a searing pain on my knees, in my legs, my arms. dazed, i blink to clear the fog that has gathered, filling the earth and confusing my vision. i can't see anything.. i can't see my own fingers. i can't see left from right, which way straight. i hugged my knees and started to cry, bawling like a child who knows only that she can't find a familiar face in the crowd.