woman

i think a few signs that might show that i'm older than i used to be :i use the word 'handsome' now , 'cute' didnt even cross my mind. i find a certain pompous satisfaction that i'm older and more patient,
less light headed than other younger girls (which may not be true). i dress simply, i like my aunty sandals and my aunty/geeky specs...anD i
comfort myself by telling myself that i don't have to dress up because i'm mature enough to feel comfortable in my own skin (which probably
isnt true). i also find it cool when people tell me that my face has matured.again i'm pompous in taking it as a compliment. i listen to
older music but that has nothing to do with anything cos i've always liked older music, i still like hip hop though (some), and i've always
thought metal or hardcore was too noisy and unharmonious.

i wish these things which i feel strike a chord with me sometimes - the calmness, the quiet strength and wisdom, the comfort found in
maturity, (which have rare sparks of truth, but mostly, for now, is made believe), would be present all the time. i wish that maturity will
come true for me when i talk with people, when there's things to get done, in my relationships, when there's a need. i wish i could find
that independence, that quiet strength.for now though, i still throw myself on others, i still let go unnecessarily, i'm still irresponsible, still lazy and indisciplined. still
dependent on others to pick me up.

when i get older, and in my mind getting older always sees me as a mother of children,.. i will still love music. i will still point out
stars, rainbows, rain, trees to my children in wonder, i will still bring them to listen to some good music and by then having them around
would've given me an excuse to dance. i'll still bring them on random picnics with ice cream.

some things will have to leave ... some things will have to stay. i think i'm old enough to know now that i won't change that much. except
for those things i know i want to change and am working on changing now..and i wouldnt have known this before this moment... but somehow
when i think of the future, in my mind there is no doubt that i am person i need to be.